Addiction

What is addiction? How do we recognize when we're addicted? What to do then?

 "Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance or engages in an activity that can be pleasurable, but the continued use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life, responsibilities, such as work or relationships, or health. 
Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others." ~ Psychology Today

Common And Seemingly Uncommon Addictions
When you are sad, bored, or depressed, do you go shopping?  Rather than looking at what you can acquire, look for what you can let go of.  When I let go of something physical, mental and emotional "space" are cleared. It's as though by letting go of a thing, I have more of me! "Less is more". I feel more relaxed and inspired.
 
When you travel, is there some element of escape from your life? Do you give yourself permission for activities when you travel, that you don't allow yourself in your daily life?  What does this say about your daily life?
There's a scene in the Star Trek movie "Insurrection", when the crew of the Enterprise visit a planet where the people have the capacity to travel anywhere in the galaxy but don't. When asked why, one of them replied "Where would galactic travel take us, but away from here?" Sonoma County is this way for me.

We are led to believe that for us to be happy, we must have entertainment, adventure. Yet, these activities are only temporary retreats from what I call our "default state": the experience of ourselves and our lives that is most common to us.

Dependence On Making Others Dependent On Us
We may not recognize when we are attempting to lure people into a dependency on us. When we can create this dynamic, we feel a temporary sense of power; one that likely turns to emptiness. Reflecting on a significant relationship in your life, please take a moment to answer the following questions. As writing is so revealing, you may wish to write your answers.
In this relationship:
Are you looking for a certain kind of attention? What kind? Why?
Are you in a power struggle? What is the nature of this struggle?
Are you making them your "project? What are you looking to change in them? Why?
Do you feel yourself to be a better person when you're with them? How so?
Do you look to them for permission to behave a certain way or engage in a certain activity? What way/activity?

When in relationship, we often pick one of two polarities. Call them high/low, good/bad, empowerment/dis-empowerment, right/wrong, deserving/ undeserving. I have chosen all those roles many times throughout my life. When I have chosen the "high", "deserving", or "good" polarity, I put on a persona to match that. I talk the "high" or "good" talk, while hiding those aspects of my life I think the person I'm relating to will disapprove of.   As a child, I assumed the belief that I was a "good, loved" child. So, as an adult, I have  tried to place myself into the "good" polarity.

Addiction To Emotions
Often, our first reactionary emotion is anger. We believe that this makes us powerful and will frighten our "opposition."  We feel adrenaline moving through us, our hearts beating faster, the blood flowing faster, providing more oxygen to our bodies. Through this, we know we're alive. From this perspective, being peaceful is somehow associated with weakness. Yet, we are our most clear thinking, centered, and strong, when we're peaceful. We are more aware of our surroundings and other people. We are more aware of what is authentically true for us. True strength is accessed through a still mind.
When wallowing in sadness, we can find further evidence as to how we are alone in the world and how "nothing goes our way." We sink into depression and see a world filled only with loss and heartbreak.
When we allow our fear to influence us, we make our choices from a sense of inferiority; from a subconscious belief  that we are not deserving of love and success in our lives.
Allowing our emotions to influence our choices perpetuates this self imposed scale of deserving-not deserving, superior-inferior, worthy-not worthy, good-bad, acceptable-not acceptable.

Addiction To Thought
Thoughts are our constant companion, whether we like them or not. Even when our thoughts are distressing and worrisome, there is a familiarity with them. We believe it's our thoughts that remind us that we're alive.       "I think, therefore I am." ~ Rene Descartes
Our lives revolve around thoughts such that we believe that without them, we are somehow lifeless and purposeless. We have become so addicted to this belief that we may never even question the value of thought. This is our most basic addiction. The one that leads to all others. When we deal with this addiction, all other addictions and in fact, our very existence, is positively influenced.

"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am Now. I Am."  ~ Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks


Beyond (or behind) our thoughts, there is an awareness that has always watched the drama of our lives. It's like a screen upon which the movie (thoughts, emotions, even our dreams) is projected. Although this "screen" (this awareness) remains free from what is projected upon it. In Eastern Mysticism, this awareness  is called the "witness". I consider this "witness" our doorway to Infinite Life

Notice when you are focused on creating or giving, how you have fewer thoughts about yourself, about what you can get from another (no greed or manipulation); no thoughts of hiding or defending. In fact, there are fewer thoughts altogether!
 
Becoming Aware Of Addiction

One great dynamic to reveal our addictive tendency is in the drum circle. When playing a rhythm, we often experience boredom (just like life, when in a repetitive cycle) This boredom may also be experienced as a frustration and an increasing desire for a change: speed up the tempo, add some more parts to the rhythmic pattern, something! It's this very boredom (both in the drum circle and in life) that leads us to try to find something to "fill our consciousness." When one stays with this boredom, not trying to change or minimize it, but accepting it, the boredom gives way to deeper peace and joy. Sit with your boredom, let it build within you, breathing deeply as you do. Let go of results and time, of doing of any kind and just sit. The boredom will pass when you have fully accepted it. When I do, I experience a peace and joy as sweet as any entertainment or adventure. This peace is available 24/7.

Freedom From Addiction
I love to quote Joseph Campbells pithy, poignant, phrase; "Follow Your Bliss". Like the bumper sticker says: "If it ain't fun, don't do it".  I believe the essence of why we fall into addiction is that deep down we know this exquisite Bliss is within us: that it is in fact, who we are. But since we are so addicted to thought, we use our thoughts to find it. We look to externals to experience it. It ain't there.

Follow your bliss. What do you love to do?
Following my Bliss, my entire life has changed. I do work that I love, I live with people that I love, and have learned how to return to love when I have entered conflict. Follow your bliss long enough, and your life becomes filled with inspiration and passion.

Do you feel stuck in your life? Do you have concerns in a relationship or.feel weighted down by  addiction?
Do you want to experience the wealth of strength and joy within you?
It is my profound honor to assist you through whatever passage you are traversing, to a deeper awareness of your innate worth, and the recognition and expression of your unique gifts.
Visit my web page; www.SaharPinkham.com.
On Facebook: Sahar Eric Pinkham
On YouTube: SaharSound

I wish you Peace.

HOW TO HAVE A DEEPLY SATISFING RELATIONSHIP

If you want a relationship to succeed, you must be willing to let it completely fall apart.  

For a deeply satisfying relationship, we need to abandon all investment in our codependent ways. We limit our innate freedom by trying to be more appealing to others, so they will like/love us. We engage in  "strategies" so we don't have to feel our fear of rejection.
The closer we are to people, the more pain-filled our relationships tend to be. While in reality, what we want most for these people is their happiness. Just what we want for ourselves.  Ironic, ain't it?!
Usually, the closer we are to people the more emotionally invested in what they think and say about us.

Where are your "emotional hooks"?

Do any of the following statements apply to you?
"S/he'll never leave me because I pay the bills".
"If I reveal how much money I make, s/he'll want more".
"The kids need us to be together".
"I know his/her secrets. S/he'll stay with me because s/he can't bear the thought that I would reveal them".
"If I tell him/her the truth about (fill in the blank) she'll leave me".
"If I told him/her what I do with my free time,  I'd lose my freedom".
"Without me, s/he couldn't function".
If so, in which area of their life do you believe this to be the case?

Which statement do you identify with most? Write about recent times when you have had this thought; what you felt, thought, said and did. This may reveal to you how you limit your freedom in relationship.
Ironically, the strategies we believe will lead to a greater sense of security are the very ones that limit our freedom!!!
"Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."

Helen Keller

False Security

We invest sooo much in what others think and say about us! I love the quote "What you think of me is none of my business". To not take personally how others perceive us is one of the biggest steps we take in being free. Ultimately, we need to take this a step further to "What I think of myself is none of my business". Many of the thoughts that we have about ourselves drive us to be small, to let others determine our choices, to be on guard; to strategize just to survive.

Yet, all thoughts can be seen as clouds in the sky. You see the clouds floating by and recognize that they may be all kinds of shapes. They may be dark and filled with storms. They may be beautiful; heavenly in fact. Although, they are just floating by. They are not you.

Before we were aware of thoughts in this way, they were subjective. We never questioned their validity or whether we could choose differently. Our thoughts dictated our words and actions. Yet, the more aware of them we become, the more objective they are, and the less control they have. Eventually they become "Like farts in a distant galaxy". A teacher of mine said this. He also said; "As you become aware of thoughts, don't try to change them, don't even try to minimize them. Just let them be."

We constantly resist our thoughts. We create all kinds of programs and religions to change our thoughts. Remember that what you resist, has power over you. Just let your thoughts be. Become aware of them and their motivation. As you do this you'll free yourself from their sway.

I think of this practice of developing an awareness of our thoughts as one of the two wings that allow the "bird of relationship" to fly. Have an open, relaxed awareness of your thoughts, while placing your focus on what you truly want; your bliss, what you love. This is the other wing

Creating a bridge

I think of Love as a bridge that can be built, extending from you to other people. Whatever you want from them, as long as you offer it, you'll experience it.
All the reasons that we enter relationship (ie getting certain needs met, being understood, being accepted, receiving compassion, friendship,), can  be boiled down to one one easy to remember reflection; "Have I built a bridge to this person"?  Have I walked in their "shoes"? Do I have compassion for them? Have I offered them compassion and empathy?  In other words, "Have I applied the Golden Rule?" Give unto others what you want to receive from them. 

These two wings (having awareness of how I am motivated by fear and leaning into what I want (love)) define the basic choice in relationship; to live from Love or fear. As we develop our "loving muscles" we choose fear less and less. Eventually we no longer choose fear.

My teacher Swami Muktananda said; "we recognize that there is only one choice, to love or fear. So we choose love because it feels better. We choose love enough that we no longer choose fear. We no longer consider fear as an option. At this point, we experience the 'choiceless choice' of choosing only Love."

"Through intense, deep meditation, you should get into that state which is beyond
thought, beyond change, beyond imagination, beyond differences and duality. Once you
have begun to get into that state and can stay there…you will see your own Self in
everyone around you. Then the flow of love from within you will be constant and
unbroken."    –Swami Muktananda"