Our Fear Of Rejection

 Our fear of rejection: what others might think, say, and do about/ to us.

This fear leads us to behave in ways that we think others will approve of...
*because we are yearning for acknowledgement/ approval/ acceptance...
*because we're afraid that they will reject/ abandon/ even abuse us...
*because we fear they will validate our beliefs, that we are unlovable & unworthy.

Why do we carry this fear?
Is it a part of the human make up?
Is it genetic?
What is it's origin?

There's a story my aunt told me about a three year old boy. As she was visiting our family, the door had been closed to the children, so the adults could have their "adult time". She recalls witnessing this toddler lying on the floor, scratching at the bottom of the door to the room where the adults had gathered, hoping to get some attention: hoping to participate in their gathering, while not being an interruption or "disturbance".
Quite an ironic thing. This child, while just wanting loving attention, was at this tender age conflicted, because he also had been given the message that he was an "interruption" into his parents well-being. What to do?!
This child was me. Although, it could have been any of us.

As young children, we made significant decisions in relationship to the main authorities in our lives (generally our parents). These decisions were based on the degree to which we were loved and accepted as the unique, naturally gifted and beautiful beings that we are. With parents who were in conflict, we may have made decisions about how to behave in order to be safe. Thus began our fear of rejection.

Each decision was added to the creation of a "book", "written" by us. This "book" became our self image.
It is this "book" that is the source of our fear of rejection. This "book" is the only thing that separates us from each other, yet, all it is is a collections of stories with no real identity, no real existence.It's just stories!

These decisions/stories eventually lead us away from our natural state of authenticity and spontaneity, to believing that we had to determine our life's course based on perceived  circumstances. We shifted from an internally, freedom-based, proactive reality (experienced as "us as Life" or "us with Life") to an externally based, reactive existence (experienced as "us as separate from Life");  an existence of struggle, which is how most of  us live.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure." ~Helen Keller

In my quest for self awareness, I explored how my childhood experiences and decisions have influenced my choices and perceptions in my adult life. I've recognized which choices were made from my fear of rejection. I then traced this fear to my early childhood: often, to within the first three years of my life. This allowed me to recognize when a current choice/perception was based on an early life decision,. Seeing that the present has nothing to do with my past, I could "place" that fear with it's origin, allowing me to see the present as new, with infinite possibility. I could now make a more loving/present choice.

In a hypnotherapy session, I regressed back to my birth. In this regression, as I was being held by the doctor, I had the impulse/ thought: "I am a man. I'm going to do this on my own".  This initial impression was as I grew up, solidified into my belief that I was an "island," that I was alone in the world, (not a part of Infinite Consciousness). It was me against the world: my survival was achieved through competing with others: my success was on the shoulders of others (not with others). I also learned that when I suffered, I should do it alone. I shouldn't burden others' with my pain, they had enough of their own. No one would understand me anyway. Since these beliefs are solidified in our earliest years, addressing our fear of rejection requires us to forgive our parents. It helps to remember that all parents raise us with the skills they can access within them.

Notice how after  sharing the story of my wounding, not only are you not judging me, but that you are feeling compassion for me. When we hide any aspect of our lives, whether it's behaviors, our past, or our beliefs, vital energy is utilized in it's repression.This steals away from our physical and emotional well being and our clarity of thought. We look to others to love us, but when we live freely, we are loving ourselves. Living transparently is true intimacy. Think of intimacy as "Into me you see". When we live openly we feel a deep satisfaction, a sweet gratitude, and a sublime peace.

Sharing truthfully with another person truly "sets us free." I consider it the greatest honor for someone to invite me to bear witness as they explore the dark mystery of their inner world, especially their wounding, their pain. This invitation is their way of saying "I feel safe enough with you to have you "walk" with me into the valley of my inner darkness.: to support me while I explore my fear/pain/wounding".

When I recognize thoughts based on my fear of rejection, my desire is not to try to push them away or pull them in. Just to recognize them and give them no attention. Let them be a side show, while I make new choices based on my present reality. You've probably heard "What you think of me is none of my business." This approach goes a step further, to"what think about me is none of my business."
Doing this, one becomes aware of "fresh" thoughts: thoughts that until this time have been shrouded by fear. These fresh thoughts guide us to our Highest Good.

Live large. Share your life with others. Share your stories. Because as long as you keep them locked up you won't know freedom. As you continue living openly, you'll realize that there is nothing within you (or anyone) that is worthy of our shrinking from life.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate, is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller
Do you feel stuck in your life either in relationship or by addiction?
Do you want to experience the wealth of strength and joy within you?  It's my profound honor to assist you through whatever passage you are traversing, to a deeper awareness of your innate worth, and the recognition and expression of your unique gifts. Visit my web page; www.SaharPinkham.com.

By the way, these great pictures are of my adorable son, Julian.
I wish you Peace.

Our Most Powerful Tool For Well Being & Happiness

Our Most Powerful Tools

As a hypnotherapist, I have supported my clients desire for greater health and well being, by showing them how they can better use their imagination. I believe imagination combined with intention, are possibly our most powerful tools for well being.

I often experience just how powerful intention is when I'm teaching a drum lesson. As my student is focusing on embodying the rhythm, I hold the intention that they are playing the rhythm with ease, their hands and bodies are relaxed, and that they feel the groove of the rhythm. As I place all my focus completely on them, it's remarkable to see how quickly they get the rhythm. What's also remarkable is that the moment that I'm distracted (I have a thought about something or someone else), they lose their focus and the rhythm! Without my saying a word, without doing a thing, they lost the rhythm!

We seemingly combined our consciousness, doubling our energy and focus towards their embodying the rhythm.

I encourage you to explore this phenomenon. Start with a loved one. Join with them in their focus as they are engaged in some activity. Watch what happens when the two of you are completely focused and what happens when you are distracted. Then bring this to other people: strangers, performers, people struggling. As you support these people, you are living the Golden Rule. You are giving them what you want: loving support. By giving it to others, you'll fill with the gratitude you feel when you receive support.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited"  ~Albert Einstein
“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.” -William Arthur Ward

Imagination Combined With Intention
I'd like to share these powerful tools (of intention combined with imagination) with you, in a guided meditation, designed for greater happiness: yours and all peoples. I invite you to give yourself 10 minutes.
To set the stage, see that there is nothing in your surroundings that may distract you for the duration.

Start by holding the intention of harmony with all beings, with all life. This simple act may well be the most important step in this process
Make yourself comfortable. Close your eyes and breath deeply. Allow your breath to enter in through your nose, filling your lungs and abdomen. Exhale through your mouth. Give yourself a minute to slow your breathing to about one breath for every 30 seconds. Give yourself a moment for this.

Now imagine a beautiful light above your head. Imagine this light as the Light of your Higher Self. You may wish to give it a color. See it scintillating with Vibrancy. See It radiate out in all directions. Take a moment.

Now imagine a beam of this Light descends into and through your head, into your heart. See it grow in your Heart. See it pulsate with Life and Love. As you breath in, feel the elation and joy in your heart. Take a moment.

Now send a steady beam of this Light and Love to someone you love dearly. See this person receive this Light in their heart. See them relax as they breath it in. See it grow in their chest, reaching into their internal organs; feeding their entire body like the most real nutrition. See them grow in vitality and joy. Take a moment.

Now send this Light to the people in your life; to friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, community leaders. Send it to people with whom you are in conflict. As you love them, you are loving yourself. Take a moment.

If you find yourself questioning your right or ability to Love so large, consider the following words. "We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. ”  ~ Marianne Williamson

Now send this Light to the people in the world you believe most need it. Imagine it traveling around the world and raining Beauty on people everywhere. Swami Muktananda said "It's always raining Grace. You just need to take down your umbrellas". Imagine all people having "taken down their umbrellas" to deeply receive this love. Imagine the entire world in harmony, in celebration,  song, dance, music, and however you are inspired. Do this now.

Enjoy this.....
"Just imagine a world where there is no conflict, no selfish competition,only loving cooperation. Imagine a world free of pollution, free of want, free of disease, free of disaster. Imagine a world populated with smiling, laughing, happy, joyous people, all radiantly healthy, all abundantly supplied, all loved and loving. Get the feel of such a world, and put yourself right in the middle of it. Think of yourself as filled with life and energy and vitality, with a body that is strong and vibrant. See yourself surrounded with abundance and enjoying true prosperity. See yourself doing what you love and loving what you do, unbound and free. See yourself with the capacity to embrace and love and serve every single man and woman and child on this planet, regardless of who they are or what they have done and feel that unconditional love radiating from you to all, and returning from all to you. And then see everyone in the world as you have seen yourself in the ideal. Let there be peace in your heart, the excitement of victory in your mind, and joyous words on your lips."  Selamat Ja! Sheldon Nidle & Colleen Nidle

May all being be happy. May all beings know Peace.