Our Fear Of Rejection

 Our fear of rejection: what others might think, say, and do about/ to us.

This fear leads us to behave in ways that we think others will approve of...
*because we are yearning for acknowledgement/ approval/ acceptance...
*because we're afraid that they will reject/ abandon/ even abuse us...
*because we fear they will validate our beliefs, that we are unlovable & unworthy.


Why do we carry this fear?
Is it a part of the human make up?
Is it genetic?
What is it's origin?

There's a story my aunt told me about a three year old boy. As she was visiting our family, the door had been closed to the children, so the adults could have their "adult time". She recalls witnessing this toddler lying on the floor, scratching at the bottom of the door to the room where the adults had gathered, hoping to get some attention: hoping to participate in their gathering, while not being an interruption or "disturbance".
Quite an ironic thing. This child, while just wanting loving attention, was at this tender age conflicted, because he also had been given the message that he was an "interruption" into his parents well-being. What to do?!
    
This child was me. Although, it could have been any of us.

As young children, we made significant decisions in relationship to the main authorities in our lives (generally our parents). These decisions were based on the degree to which we were loved and accepted as the unique, naturally gifted and beautiful beings that we are. With parents who were in conflict, we may have made decisions about how to behave in order to be safe. Thus began our fear of rejection.

Each decision was added to the creation of a "book", "written" by us. This "book" became our self image.
It is this "book" that is the source of our fear of rejection. This "book" is the only thing that separates us from each other, yet, all it is is a collections of stories with no real identity, no real existence.It's just stories!

These decisions/stories eventually lead us away from our natural state of authenticity and spontaneity, to believing that we had to determine our life's course based on perceived  circumstances. We shifted from an internally, freedom-based, proactive reality (experienced as "us as Life" or "us with Life") to an externally based, reactive existence (experienced as "us as separate from Life");  an existence of struggle, which is how most of  us live.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure." ~Helen Keller

In my quest for self awareness, I explored how my childhood experiences and decisions have influenced my choices and perceptions in my adult life. I've recognized which choices were made from my fear of rejection. I then traced this fear to my early childhood: often, to within the first three years of my life. This allowed me to recognize when a current choice/perception was based on an early life decision,. Seeing that the present has nothing to do with my past, I could "place" that fear with it's origin, allowing me to see the present as new, with infinite possibility. I could now make a more loving/present choice.

In a hypnotherapy session, I regressed back to my birth. In this regression, as I was being held by the doctor, I had the impulse/ thought: "I am a man. I'm going to do this on my own".  This initial impression was as I grew up, solidified into my belief that I was an "island," that I was alone in the world, (not a part of Infinite Consciousness). It was me against the world: my survival was achieved through competing with others: my success was on the shoulders of others (not with others). I also learned that when I suffered, I should do it alone. I shouldn't burden others' with my pain, they had enough of their own. No one would understand me anyway. Since these beliefs are solidified in our earliest years, addressing our fear of rejection requires us to forgive our parents. It helps to remember that all parents raise us with the skills they can access within them.

Notice how after  sharing the story of my wounding, not only are you not judging me, but that you are feeling compassion for me. When we hide any aspect of our lives, whether it's behaviors, our past, or our beliefs, vital energy is utilized in it's repression.This steals away from our physical and emotional well being and our clarity of thought. We look to others to love us, but when we live freely, we are loving ourselves. Living transparently is true intimacy. Think of intimacy as "Into me you see". When we live openly we feel a deep satisfaction, a sweet gratitude, and a sublime peace.

Sharing truthfully with another person truly "sets us free." I consider it the greatest honor for someone to invite me to bear witness as they explore the dark mystery of their inner world, especially their wounding, their pain. This invitation is their way of saying "I feel safe enough with you to have you "walk" with me into the valley of my inner darkness.: to support me while I explore my fear/pain/wounding".

When I recognize thoughts based on my fear of rejection, my desire is not to try to push them away or pull them in. Just to recognize them and give them no attention. Let them be a side show, while I make new choices based on my present reality. You've probably heard "What you think of me is none of my business." This approach goes a step further, to"what I think about me is none of my business."
Doing this, one becomes aware of "fresh" thoughts: thoughts that until this time have been shrouded by fear. These fresh thoughts guide us to our Highest Good.

Live large. Share your life with others. Share your stories. Because as long as you keep them locked up you won't know freedom. As you continue living openly, you'll realize that there is nothing within you (or anyone) that is worthy of our shrinking from life.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate, is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller
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Do you feel stuck in your life either in relationship or by addiction?
Do you want to experience the wealth of strength and joy within you?  It's my profound honor to assist you through whatever passage you are traversing, to a deeper awareness of your innate worth, and the recognition and expression of your unique gifts. Visit my web page; www.SaharPinkham.com.

By the way, these great pictures are of my adorable son, Julian.

I wish you Peace.